Snooki VS Crystal

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I knew I've seen this pose before...

Could it be the only thing distinguishing these two the fact that one of them actually wrote a book? Can you guess which of them did it?... Now that's a tricky question...

Crystal, the female monkey from Hangover 2, would probably adapt well to Jersey Shore reality show. Yet, I'm driven to think that even Crystal would not be safe from Mike "The situation" moves... Even I have a hard time seeing the differences between a primate and some of the specimens that appear on this show. In fact, Crystal could easily replace any of the female cast members. She can suck a bottle under some dude's pants. Now that must count as a curriculum skill for Jersey Shore...

Back to Snooki... Is she making a fashion statement in Florence, Italy? She certainly lost a lot of weight and actually looks good. (Jeeezzz, is this really coming out of my mouth?...). She actually went on a diet, according to People, that " instead of  of throwing back Long Island Iced Teas or margaritas ("Which are, like, a million calories," she notes), Snooki's new drink of choice is a lighter option: vodka with seltzer water". Uhhh... How many celebrities are actually on this diet? Amy Winehouse is so strict about it that she even went with a miniature vodka bottle on her way to rehab. Of course, it may have side effects, like getting arrested for DUI.
As for Snooki, she already had her first slip in Italy. This week the girls were spotted getting drunk in a bar in Florence and, frankly, that doesn't look like vodka with seltzer...

Deena shows her skills...."Look, no hands!" Amazing...

And here's Snooki's style. What do you think? 

"Stay away from me you bit**es! I'm a classy girl now..."

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It's payback time for Zach Galifianakis

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Zach Galifianakis recently gave an interview to shortlist about his recent movie, Hangover 2. People tend to assume that men that don't have Bradley Cooper's looks need the approval of a sex symbol so they can actually feel good about themselves. Wrong assumption. The interviewer dropped this innocent question that made Galifianakis trigger the process of  cold hearted R.E.V.E.N.G.E. towards January Jones that one day had the audacity of being a cold hearted bitch with Galifianakis:

"Back to the sex appeal — January Jones recently told us that you were the most naturally funny man she’d ever met. Would you ever consider making a move? She likes funny men…"

That’s really funny because, if I remember correctly, she and I were very rude to each other. It was crazy. I was at a party — I’d never met her — and she was like, “Come sit down.” So I sit at her table and talk for 10 minutes, and she goes, “I think it’s time for you to leave now.” So I say, “January, you are an actress in a show and everybody’s going to forget about you in a few years, so f*cking be nice,” and I got up and left. And she thinks that’s funny?

I don't know if that demolishing answer actually came out of his mouth or if this last sentence only took place in his imagination and if back when this happened he just got up and quietly left, holding his anger and humiliation to be unleashed at the right moment. And this would actually be the right one if I could abstract myself from the fact that January Jones is a pregnant woman now, with the world  speculating about who the father is. 

The interviewer got the chance to do some reverse psychology with Galifianakis in order to find out if, back when this happened, he actually made a move at her...

If a script really demanded it, would you do a sex scene with her?

I wouldn’t want to. I’d hate it. I’ve only had to do a few of those things where you have to kiss and stuff. It’s so embarrassing.

Hate it! Zach, Zach.... Do we have a dartboard at home with January Jones photo taped to it? Anger management! .... 

We can all conclude the January Jones happening with Galifianakis ended with him getting up and quietly leaving...

Beyoncé crushed her competition at the Billboard awards

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Talk about coordination! Beyoncé gave a hell of a performance at the Billboard Music Awards. I was so blown away with this that I completely forgot for a moment this song actually sucks. I was like everyone else at the end, already convinced the army of Beyoncés would take the world.... Rhianna looked worried. Worried that all she was left with to outshine was to get in a pillow fight...with Britney Spears...

"Yup! Can't complain!"

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This is like watching a chess game, only better. Take that Leonardo DiCaprio...

Bar Rafaeli used twitter to give a straight message to "the world" while aboard a yacht at the French Riviera. Being "The World" Leonardo Di Caprio. I'm beginning to think twitter has many utilities...

So, Bar...Can't complain about what?...Just saying...So you do yachts in Cannes...So does who?

I'm sure Leonardo Di Caprio can't complain either about all the pu**y he's having while you're... on a break. Although I'm starting to think Di Caprio probably is loving all this teasing Bar Rafaeli is putting him through...

Blake Lively, quit. You can't win this honey... Bar Rafaeli is using all her heavy artillery on this matter. 

Where's Waldo? Cannes special edition...

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Mischa Barton career after the OC is almost nonexistent. So, apparently she thought the only way she could be noticed in Cannes was if she played Waldo. That's got to be it...Or she's high on drugs...or she is a fashion visionary...
The woman in the back is surprised, either for finally finding Waldo (after yeeeeaaars of intense search, there it is) or for realizing it was a woman all along...

This is just like watching Baywatch, according to Arnold Schwarzenegger...

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Like the terrible gossip blogger that I am, I'm only bringing Arnold Schwarzenegger  and Maria Shriver's split today. When everyone is fed up with all this and only the brave (my readers) will spend one minute of the day checking what can I possibly add to the pile of sh*t this has become... If I could, I would be blogging all day. I would only stop over primary necessities, like having a shag once in a while. Speaking of shags...(see how I did this? Hey Conan O'Brien? Learned with you...) Maria Shriver was clueless over the "affair" Arnold had with their housemaid Mildred Patricia Baena and over the child they had together... And she remained in that state of ignorance for a decade. Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger thought it was a good time to take her out of this state when her father passed away, last January. Maybe he thought: "You are already crying your heart out, might as well bring it up. Plus, I'm leaving the Governor's office, so it comes really in handy for me...So, honey, remember that you keep saying our house maid Mildred does a wonderful job and that you can't imagine your life without her? So, about that...bla,bla,bla...."

Even seeing little Arnaldito running around the pool didn't give Maria Shriver a hint. Wonder why? Either this Mildred Baena is really one hell of a housemaid, that under no circumstance Maria could afford to loose (and we know how difficult they are to find) or she completely missed...how hot Mildred is... As for me, I don't know how could she possibly miss this Sofia Vergara look alike, running around in the house, cleaning Terminator's penis while Maria was chatting with BFF Oprah...

But was this really an affair or a quick shag with consequences? I'm not really seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger dancing La Bamba with Mildred Baena, back in the 90's, thinking he's gonna screw this hot, irresistible woman on a regular basis... This man was a kindergarten cop and played a pregnant man (Junior) back in the 90´s. That decade was all about bad and ridiculous decisions for Arnold. Give him a break. It's not like he pulled a Ronald Regan's and decided that the next step would be politics. Jeezzz... 

Hot, hot, hot!

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Hangover 2 - A Star is born!

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Move over bitches! Monkey Crystal is hitting the red carpet! 

I didn't even know the monkey on the Hangover sequel was a female, but judging by these pics, she completely stole the show at the Premiere of Hangover Part II, last night in Hollywood! Look at her, dressed in pink with a pearl necklace (?), getting her "sex" scene censored on the trailer and already engaging in serious PDA with BFF Kristen Bell! I can already see the resemblance with Paris Hilton. This monkey will go far in Hollywood, I tell you.

And can she do only comedy? Can you give us a sad, sad face Crystal? Did Bradley Cooper skip your PDA? Huuuu..

Who would have guessed the worst dressed of these three would be Bradley Cooper. Bradley, your lucky I like you better without clothes...

Isn't Crystal a natural at this? Isn't this pic awesome?

Mel Gibson got a standing ovation in Cannes

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Mel Gibson is apparently back in business. Definitely not for his hotness but, judging by Cannes reaction to "The Beaver" premiere, his career is back on tracks. A ten minutes long standing ovation awaited him at his entrance for The Beaver Premiere, last night. T.E.N. The film got good reviews too. So, as long as he gets a sock in his hand to do all the talking, apparently he's Ok. That will keep his mind off booze and keep him entertained from the fact that he hates everybody, apart from Cannes crowd, from now on. As for me, I'm still wondering about who is this shirtless, beer belly man, with unbuttoned jeans, standing on a hotel balcony in Cannes, with a cigarette in the corner of his mouth, pretending to be Mel Gibson. 

If you're wondering if there's a but crack cap of this specimen, here it is. Because paparazzi in Cannes are working well, as we know it...

And here's a 2.0 version of Mel, at the premiere. Oh, what a makeover!
"You better appreciate this movie you bunch of f***ing c*nts, or I'll just start rolling my hand revolver on you..."

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Someone didn't get enough sleep last night...in Cannes...

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When I heard Leonardo DiCaprio and Bar Rafaeli broke up my first thoughts were "What the hell does DiCaprio want in a woman, besides being blonde and a VS model?". My second thoughts were Leo is available, so my ass in on the next flight to Cannes, skipping the fact I don't gather the minimum conditions to apply. Plus, Blake Lively got there first. So, my third thought was Bar Rafaeli is single: It's time for my lesbian experience. She will be available for at least the next 10 minutes... And she's in Cannes too. Wait. Where? Is she a psycho ex-girlfriend trying to win Leo back or is this an unfortunate coincidence? Probably this last one. 

I could give you the standard question on "How do you  think she feels about this?". But I'm not. 'Cause, like any ordinary person, Bar is probably devastated Leo is already moving on with someone like Blake Lively. Maybe DiCaprio and Lively are just friends (with benefits...), but I don't remember Leonardo DiCaprio being this affectionate with any of his girlfriends, in public, without one of his many college caps covering half his face. Because being in a yacht in Cannes, during the Film Festival, in a land now infested by paparazzi patiently waiting, Leonardo DiCaprio KNOWS this shot was happening and would cause some commotion on Bar Rafaeli. So is he the one with a broken heart, trying to sting his ex? 

So, Bar Rafaeli walked the red carpet at The Beaver premiere absolutely gorgeous in a Roberto Cavalli navy dress, showing some serious puffy eyes. If this was after the premiere, we could all assume Bar Rafaeli realized she went to see a movie where an anti-Jewish Mel Gibson talks through a hand-puppet and she couldn't help the pity tears...

Humm... Do you think DiCaprio is the type of guy that, if he gets dumped, does this and then appreciates his revenge with a glass of wine in his hand while shoe less, rubbing his toes through white socks, against a yacht floor, facing the Cannes' sun with a little smile on his face and thinking: "That should teach ya b**ch...Never dump DiCaprio..."

Naaaahhhh...I don't think so...

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Leonardo DiCaprio and Blake Lively are pretending they're just good friends...

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... and Leo is already in his socks...

White socks, Leo? In a Yacht? Argh...

So these two are in Cannes, pretending to be in the festival. Yet they have nothing to promote. (any film?...nope) Wait. Leonardo DiCaprio just dumped gorgeous Bar Rafaeli and is now seen with Blake Lively. A 23 year old actress that no one ever heard about until all the hype about Gossip Girl. Then, suddenly, she's everywhere, calling top designers by their first name and being the next big thing. This girl moves fast, wonder what are her major skills... Oh, of course: acting.

So, if one hollywood megastar under 40 is suddenly available, there she is...promoting her ass in Cannes. As for Leo, he's known for his fondness for partying, with no girlfriends involved. Even if they are Bar Rafaeli. 

These two were first seen on friday night at the Hotel du Cap Eden Roc in France. Today they were caught embracing on a private yacht. And whose yacht was this? Steven Spielberg's. Steven's yacht, for Miss Lively. Excuse moi...

I'm amused how she's totally uncomfortable, trying to act casual and how he doesn't give a sh*t (white socks?...). Because he knows they are totally doing it. In Spielberg's yacht, I tell ya...

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Mick Jagger's daughter sounds clever

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Here I was thinking that if Mick Jagger has a daughter, she must be, at least, a 100 years old, but it turns out she's only 27... So, Lizzy Jagger did Playboy and, taking in consideration this might have some Photoshop involved, I'm taking a wild guess this issue is not going to be a best seller. But at least she might have some brains to balance a little bit. Let's take a sneak peak on her wise words to this classic male (and female...cof..cof...cof...)  literature:

"I'm kind of a topless person," the 27-year-old explained. "I'm quite European, so when I'm at the beach, I prefer to be topless." 

Uau... European beaches must be boobs' paradise, judging by Lizzy's words. It is true that, in Europe, taking your top off on the beach isn't much of a deal. In America, taking your top off is not a big deal either...unless you're at the beach. Now, that's a problem...

But Lizzy's words sound amusing, quite frankly...So, from now on, I'm assuming this applies to every European woman. Take note Angela Merkel or even Duchess Katherine Middleton. Wherever you are vacationing, if you're not topless you're not ...quite European. Now, Pippa Middleton, can be considered  quite European...

What do European women have to say to Lizzy?...Oh, can I take a shot here, for you girls?

"Lizzy, Lizzy, those donkey ears fit you like a glove..."

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Michael "The Situation" is in Italy and already on top...of the situation

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The Jersey Shore cast is already in Florence, Italy, filming season 4 and moving behind them a considerable entourage, judging by the first images. While Snooki has already found a little pony to ride, Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino has no time to waste in Italian lands. So here he is with the "Dirty Italian: Everyday slang" in his hands, showing us he can actually read beyond condom instructions, a useful guide that according to the author teaches the reader how to swear, curse and most important how to get down and dirty in Italian. In other words, it teaches the Jersey Shore cast to be what they already are...but in Italian. 

According to Amazon, Dirty Italian teaches the casual expressions heard every day on the streets of Italy. And right next to "Come va?" (What's up) is this one:

Wanna do it doggy-style?
Lo facciamo alla pecorina?

...heard every day on the streets of Italy? Really?...Come on...

No doubt this might be of precious use to "The Situation"...

As for Snooki and JWoww  all they need to learn is "Sono Sbronza" (I'm totally wasted...)

Look at the hysterical fan in the back! "Is it Snooki? OMG! OMG!"

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Guess who probably will show his abs to Snow White?...As the Huntsman?...

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Uuuuhhhhaaaaa!!

Ok, let's face it. Why would 99% of women go see a Marvel character movie with their geek boyfriends or husbands? Of course. For the adventure, special effects, blah, blah... No. I'm sorry to be the one to break the news here: It was for six major reasons, also known all together as six-pack, presented by Mr. Thor himself when he goes shirtless. Oh. I know you all heard "Let's go darling, I can't wait to see Natalie Portman again. I loved her on Black Swan!" Nope. Chris Hemworth's Six pack. 

So some enlightened head (probably female) thought: If there's going to be two movies about Snow White, being one of them with Armie Hammer as Prince Charming we have got to step it up a little. So let's put Chris Hemworth playing the Huntsman in Snow white and the Huntsman.

Snow White is going to be lost with the Huntsman for a little while in the woods. Might as well never make it to Prince Charming. Is there even gonna be a Prince Charming on this one? This is going to be awesome. So why am I not beaming with joy?? Because Miss Snow White is going to be played by Kristen Stewart. Being KStew a school drop out and making a continuous point about how school wasn't really important to her I can at least expect she's finally learning to count until six by caressing gently the Huntsman's six-pack, while lost in the woods.  Damn you! Damn youuuuuuuu! 

These boots are made for walking...

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...and that's just what they'll do 

one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you...

I wonder how Gaga would interpret Nancy Sinatra's song?...

Well, I doubt Gaga can walk properly with these boots but she keeps proving us otherwise.

I must say Judas song didn't bring me much enthusiasm. Yet I'm writing this and in me head a little voice sings "Juda - juda -a - as ... Juda - juda -a - as..."

And what about her latest, Edge of Glory? Meh...It does sound a little Kelly Clarkson-ish to me... 

Judas video was such a mess that even Catholic Church lost itself in what was controversial or not and just quit. I must say a Mary Magdalene between boyfriends Jesus and Judas (who is here the leader of a biker gang), rocking in a club named Electro Church does push a little bit hard the boundaries of Catholic Church patience. I'm sure some "catholic"eyebrows started to tremble a little on this one. But the scene with the lipstick sticking out of the gun probably made some heads explode. Don't get me wrong, I love Lady Gaga. But is she losing it?

Guess who?...

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I've just realized it's been a while since I post something about Kim Kardashian. So here she is in Mexico, catching a break from her 25 hour working day (pfffffff...) with her boyfriend, whose name I wouldn't even know if it wasn't for the fact his name also starts with a k (that probably was his boarding pass to this crazy family) and it's actually her mother's name...That must work really well during sex... Kris, Kris! Argh....

I must say I'm always as impressed as you guys about her anatomy. I look amazed about the wonders God worked with this Armenian butt...But I must say she looks pretty good (to say the least...) in all the 300 bikinis she wears...in one day. Like Hayden Panettiere, this pics make me wonder...how does this work exactly with these two? Humm, I'm sure she'll work something out, won't she?...

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